ACONs · Adult Survivors of Emotional Child Abuse · Awakening · Becoming Real · Child Abuse · Emotional Child Abuse · Healing

Party of One: How to Stand Strong in the Truth When No One Believes You

150915-stand-strong-in-the-truthAfter you’ve awakened to the truth that you were emotionally abused as a child (and perhaps continue to be as an adult child), you will definitely encounter some hard-core resistance from some disbelieving people. These people either have known you as a child and believe the image of a happy family that your parents propagated; are enmeshed in relationships, whether as relatives or friends, with your parents; are in denial of their own abusive pasts or are in similar abusive relationships; or are not sufficiently emotionally mature or loving to be a good friend during your awakening and subsequent healing journey.

Those people will often try to coax you back into a state of slumber. Your emotional awakening is too messy for them to handle. They want you to stay in your box, under your label, not bustling out in passion and growth, but confined to the definitions of others.

In wanting you to stay in your designated area, your disbelievers will try to make you disbelieve yourself. “Were you really abused? Are you sure you weren’t being too sensitive? Oh, but you know your parents love you…. You didn’t take any of that seriously, did you? Oh, emotional abuse, really? That never happened to you.”

And because you really wish you weren’t emotionally abused as a child (because, honestly, that realization hurts like hell), you may try to talk yourself out of your awakening. Like the character Cypher in the movie The Matrix said after taking the red pill that showed him the truth instead of the blue one that kept him believing lies, you may think, “Why, oh, why, didn’t I take the blue pill?”

I already addressed the disbelievers’ and doubters’ arguments in another article, so let’s tackle the most important person in the awakening: you. You have to stay awake and remember your story. You are the one who needs to speak the truth, to be honest with yourself, to live in the truth.

Here are some tips for staying awake in the truth, especially in the face of heavy opposition.

Keep a journal of the facts

As you awaken, you’ll have so many memories running through your mind. Write them down. That time when your mother insulted you in front of all your friends? Write it down. That time when you could have sworn your father promised to help you do something and then he gaslit you and went back on his word? Put it on paper. What about the time that you got your hopes all up about spending some quality time with your parent and then s/he ditched you and made fun of you for having your feelings hurt by it? Record it.

Being the adult survivor of emotional child abuse, you’ll feel strange about recording those moments. You’ve been conditioned to let the abuse pass over you, to not flinch at all the slings and arrows thrown your way. You’ve been taught that it’s really not a freaking big deal, hello, don’t be so sensitive.

And though it’s true that sometimes people hurt each other’s feelings—and yes, people can be mean sometimes—the abused child’s experiences are so much more than just a few rare times. Emotional abuse is systematic.

By writing down what happened to you as the memories arise, you’ll have documentation of what happened, and you’ll have proof for yourself that you did not “imagine” your parents to be abusive; they really are abusive.

For example, reading one random diary entry of someone calling you a fat, horrendous pig may not deeply affect you; reading countless entries of being insulted will show you how devastating and long-term the abuse was. 

If you’re not the “writing it down” type, you can record yourself on video, sketch scenes from our childhood, or even do audio recordings of your memories.

Please note that this journal can be an enormously helpful tool to take to your therapist and make sense of the emotional minefield of your childhood. You’re not writing this all down to perpetually re-live the past or get caught up in obsessive thinking. No, this journal is to help you navigate through the early stages of your awakening.

Bonus: When you have the urge to run back to your abusive parents and accept them in your life without even seeing any significant and lost-lasting change in your life, you’ll have something to read that’ll smack (figuratively) some sense into you.

Find a support group—online or offline—that works for you

Feeling alone in your story? Consider finding online support. Make sure the forum or website is moderated and positive rather than a morass of bitterness, hate, and revenge.

A good place to start for adult children of narcissists (ACoNs) is the Web of Narcissism. The über-helpful Out of the FOG website also has a forum to help its readers. Also, Psych Central has online support groups that can offer understanding and comfort amid the chaos.

Talk to a trusted friend who believes you

You may have a friend who always has your back and who isn’t emotionally bound to your abusive parent(s). Make time to spend time with this friend. You won’t necessarily want to place all our burdens on this friend (that’s what a therapist is for), but you can share some of your thoughts and just rest in the comfort of a friend who has your back

If you want to take a practical approach to finding out who to talk to (or who you’d like to talk to), check out this Support System worksheet (PDF) from psychotherapist and Psychology Today therapist Will Baum.

(A reminder: If you’ve not a friend who you can count on, do not despair. You can share your story on the aforementioned support groups or forums. Perhaps you can also find some comfort here at The Invisible Scar in knowing you are not alone.)

Revisit past documentation

You remember being 10 years old and knowing your parents took your pet and dropped it off in the woods as a punishment for your low grade… but now, as an adult, you mention the incident to your parents, and they deny it. Or you recall being 13 and having your parents forget it was your birthday… and again, they deny it. Maybe you remember your father calling you a piece-of-shit-ingrate because you didn’t clean your room…. and your father denies it.

Are you going crazy? Are you erroneously remembering everything?

Here’s what you can do to get your bearings:

  • Ask an old friend whether s/he remembers the incident. Sometimes, the incident was so strange or your reaction was so sad or emotional that your friend will remember the incident just as you shared it years ago
  • Bring it up to your parent(s) again… but don’t try to convince the abusive parent that it happened. Instead, listen to how the parent replies. Are they diverting your attention from true incident? Projecting blame on you? Belittling you? A truly loving and caring parent will either apologize for hurting his/her child or try to really get the details of what happened rather than sweep it under the rug.
  • Check your old diaries and journals. If you kept journals or diaries, you will find a goldmine of evidence that you did not imagine all the shit that happened to you. The details will be there for you to look at. Because you were abused, you may have written the entries with excuses for your parents’ behavior or berating yourself for being sensitive, but the incident will be recorded.

Attend therapy regularly

Yes, I do go on about the importance of good therapy a lot on The Invisible Scar. That’s because I’ve seen the enormous strides that adult children of emotional abuse have made in their healing process when they attend therapy—especially when compared to those adult survivors who do not.

Therapy is not the solution to everything, but it is a critical and essential component to one’s healing from emotional child abuse.

Some readers have written me emails telling me about just how grateful and life-changing attending therapy regularly was. (Hooray!) One or two readers have written telling me that they didn’t get much out of it. To them, I suggest finding a new therapist or a new approach. Sometimes, the fit isn’t the right one, whether conscious (you cannot feel comfortable with the therapist) or subconscious (the therapist’s pointy nose reminds you of your mother). But if therapy isn’t working, find a way to make it work for you. Don’t be afraid to get a new therapist.

Onward and upward.

(photo credit: flickr user aya padrón)


Veronica Jarski is founder and managing editor of The Invisible Scar, a passion project dedicated to raising awareness of emotional child abuse and its effects on adult survivors. She has extensive editorial experience and a bachelor’s degree in journalism. Her work has been featured on myriad publications, such as Kapost, Loyola Press, MarketingProfs, and Ragan.

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35 thoughts on “Party of One: How to Stand Strong in the Truth When No One Believes You

  1. I think it is sickening when others, your family, will not/cannot appreciate your pain. But what really obfuscated me was a few years back, a friend from college contacted me after all of these decades. She shared with me the abuse she took from her mother, very much like mine, but then became withdrawn and ‘unhearing’ when I told her about mine. Maybe I dumped too much too quickly…that is a distinct possibility. But she ended up saying what she had said way back in the 70’s: “maybe you should just keep to yourself.”
    I think that it requires a ‘learning skill’ (listening and registering the inner angst of others), and that takes time, which no one in this ever changing fast paced world will/can do. Many therapists do not even appreciate these skills.
    But my horror at this friend’s sudden withdrawal will not dissipate…it haunts me. She was the one who found me (not FB, I hate FB) but there are many ways to locate people. She sounded warm and fuzzy on the phone…even defended me from myself when I poked fun at earlier memories.
    I had wanted/waited years for someone from my past to reach out…they did…and then rejected…again.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Bldion,

      So sorry that you were hurt by this former friend…

      Friendships can be tricky business because they come in so many different depths and shades. Some do like to keep things light and are really more acquaintances than anything else. Others will be there for you during the difficult times only and unable to appreciate the good times. And then some friends are through thick and thin, light and dark, fun and sorrowful.

      It’s sad that this friend was unable to be true friend, but consider it a limitation on her part. And know that you may find new friends around you or in the future.

      Peace be with you.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I awoke after years of a healthy marriage and a long-term supportive network of friends. I don’t think the awakening could’ve happened without a safety net firmly in place. The realization was not surprising to my husband, but the suddenness with which I became immersed in re-processing of my life was something foreign and uncomfortable for him. Therapy helped tremendously-as does this website-knowing I am not alone. Now, my husband gets it. He supports me 100%, knowing that this transformation was what I needed to live a good life.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Barbie,

      Happy to hear of your awakening and all the support you received (and hooray for your husband’s getting it).

      I love how you called the network of friend your “safety net.” YES. Exactly. That is such a huge, important essential for people.

      Thank you for taking the time to comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on Bipolar For Life and commented:
    Wow, another blockbuster post from The Invisible Scar! Timely, too. I have been out in the forests of Colorado thinking about how my mother brags about the time I accidentally swam too far out on the lake on a windy day, when I could not hear my parents yelling for me to come back in. I was ten years old. I remember being absorbed in diving under the waves, as my father had taught me to do. When I finally got tired and swam back to shore, they put me in the hot car with the windows rolled up, as punishment for…what? Not hearing them because the wind was drowning their calls out? Enjoying myself doing something they had taught me to do, and encouraged me to do? My mother boasts about using this punishment again when I ran away from her verbal and physical abuse and hid in a corn field. Didn’t they know that their “punishment” was not only openly abusive, but could easily have been fatal? How about the times when they both smoked in the car with the windows rolled up and accused me of coughing just to be annoying? My mother claims that never happened. It’s especially important for her to deny that now that I suffer from severe asthma. Of course she tells her friends how wonderful I am. They all adore her, and tell me what an “angel” she is.

    This article also addresses the issue of the parents killing the child’s pets. Amazing. I never knew that was a common occurrence in abusive parents. One time when I was about 12, I went to visit a relative for a few weeks during summer vacation. I left my pet bird with my parents. When I got back my bird was gone. “She flew away,” says my mother. I couldn’t believe that my birdie would ever do such a thing, because she was so tame and social. Years later, my mother laughed as she told me the real story: she got sick of caring for the bird, so she put it out in the screen porch with her cat.

    Likewise with my own cat, which I sadly left with them when I had to go for an interview: they left him outside when the neighbourhood dogs were in the yard. The last they saw of him, my father told me, was his black form streaking across the field across the road, a pack of dogs in hot pursuit.

    No wonder I’m fucked up.

    OK, I admit I wasn’t the best mother, but I can say this: I never purposely abused my child, or did anything to cause him pain. I took care of his pets, I never called him names. I listened to his concerns and took them seriously. I stood up for him when he was bullied for being different. I took on school systems to make sure his special needs were being met. I did neglect him sometimes, because I worked long hours and spent too much time at the gym trying to work off my manic energy, but at least I never locked him in a hot car, and the worst I ever said to him was that he was lazy for refusing to do his farm chores, which was true. I still feel guilty for saying it, though. I’ll stop now, because I really could go on and on about this whole thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My heart goes out to you, Laura. A pet is a child’s most cherished companion that a parent could do this must have hurt so much but then to lie about it to confuse your reality.
      I am sure that as a parent you have been the best you could be with your history and part of healing is acknowledging we are human and damaged but trying to make a change once we have more information and insight.
      I myself chose not to have children as I think at some level I was so scared of passing on damage. but I do have a dog and am ashamed to say that sometimes I have shaken him when he has wet on the carpet. Its taken me time to realise he is just a dog and may be picking up on something in me or lacked something in his toilet training due to all the stress I was under when I got him,

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your understanding. If I had had any insight into the hell I would bring into a child’s life, I definitely would have gone in your direction. However, in my ignorance, I married a man I thought was completely harmless and charmingly ingenuous, and a good cook, good looking, and we had a child. Now this child has been much more trouble than a whole bushel of other children, but now that he’s 30 he’s doing so well that all the family members who had disowned him have suddenly decided that he’s the best thing since sliced bread (of course I’ve never thought anything but the moon and stars of him). But the angst of raising him–oh! There were nights when, walking him up and down because he would not sleep, in black depression I wondered how long it would be before this poor innocent would be an orphan.

        About your dog. Many times peeing on the floor is purely stress. Sometimes what is called “submission urination” is really a plea from your dog, “oh, I feel anger or some other intense vibe from you, oh, please don’t hurt me!”

        So although it seems as if it might be counterproductive, sometimes when you have this peeing behavior, you can try suing, “Oh, Bowser (the next dog I get I want to name Bowser), what’s up with this? Are you stressed out? Am I being weird? Come, let’s have a bone or do something fun.” And you have to become aware of your vibe, and being aware of it will change it. Might not make you un-depressed, but at least a shift, you know?

        So this is why I have a service dog. She and I have got to the place where we read one another, and it’s immensely helpful to have that feedback, like, am I REALLY that angry?

        Keep me posted on your dog.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Laura THANK YOU SO MUCH. You nailed so clearly what is going on with Jasper. I realised at some level its about what he having to absorb from me. Ever since I got him there has been ongoing family stress and he has had to contain it, poor little darling and then ignorant psychotic unhealed me who is a bit dumb and ill informed has raged at him. I have had to make many apologies to him and to compensate we try to get as much play time at the park as possible.
        Thank you for sharing about your mothering experience, Its a huge job and we learn all the time if we are willing to face our unconscious side and grow. Heartfelt blessings to you.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Our stepmother regularly locked my sister in the car as punishment. She thought my sister was “uppity and spoiled” (at 6 years old!) and wanted to take her down a peg or two. My sister’s first memory of our stepmother is being locked in the car at our uncle’s farm because she only ate the icing on her piece of cake, and left the rest of the cake on her plate.

      We told our mother at the time, our aunts and uncles knew because they were there, dad knew, but no one did anything. Recently, (40 years later) stepmother did her abuse to us in front of one of our cousins – who was so surprised by the behaviour. I tried to remind her of the time my sister was locked in the car at her parent’s house. My cousin got angry and said that I was making it up. She could not believe that everyone let my sister stay in a locked car. That was dangerous! That was child abuse! They wouldn’t have condoned such behaviour!! etc. Complete denial.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ugh. It was abuse, therefore it couldn’t have happened. Gaslighting=denial of reality, manipulation of the facts.

        I was just thinking about mistakes I’ve made as a parent. I know I’ve made mistakes. Every parent has. I’ve had many conversations with my adult son about this. We were in family therapy for years. I know he’s still angry about some aspects of his childhood, mainly that I divorced his father, but that’s not negotiable!

        But my mother, who alternates between being hurt and being angry that I’m not chummy with her…she actually waxes triumphant when bringing up the punishments I “deserved”…it’s a different reality these narcissists occupy space in.

        Ate the icing, left the cake. Sounds good to me. And yet not only does she get put in peril of her life, but the whole family knows and condoned by their inaction. Great. I bet that “helped” her trust issues a lot. Or, more likely, created trust issues. A girl who eats her frosting and leaves her cake is a confident girl. How is she now?

        Like

  4. Ugh, reading your post and the things your parents did to you literally turned my stomach. I am so sorry that all this happened to you. I know very well that people don’t believe you when you tell them of abuse inflicted on you. I was physically abused pretty badly by my mother, and whenever I’ve told any relative about it, they’ve expressed shock and disbelief. Why in the world would I make this awful stuff up and lie about it? Even my “best” friend when we were young, and when I told her of the abuse, told me angrily that maybe I deserved it. Well I did not! And you did not! We were just unlucky enough to have narcissists for parents, as you correctly pointed out. They had no empathy and caused us untold damage. But as you also pointed out, there are ways to heal. I actually forgave my mother and my father and began a new relationship with them before they passed away. I think just because they were horrible people when I was young, doesn’t mean they didn’t change and it also doesn’t mean that I have to be horrible right back to them. I think my forgiveness saved me. Love and hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. 2 days ago, I met a long time “friend” at a wake. When she saw me sitting quietly alone, she walked up to me saying, “I need to talk to you” she was pointing her finger at me. She said, I saw your mother, she goes to the same church, she told me how she was not invited to your wedding, not included in any plans” “And you don’t see or call her”
    I said, this is not the place to discuss this. She continued about me moving, how upset my mother is. I said do you want to step outside to hear the voicemails from her? Oh no, she said, I believe you. I said I do not appreciate you approaching me the way you did, don’t do it again. She said sorry.
    Afterwards at the restaurant, she started telling me how my mother can’t rent the apartment I rented from her because of all the cleaning and repairs needed and she wants no less than $1000.00 a month for rent.
    I made a few comments and the other woman chimed in a few times.
    Anyway she says why would your mother treat you like that? I said to sum it up Mental Illness, she can’t stand to see her daughter happy and doing well, when you go back and tell her all we talked about, make sure you truthfully repeat all that i said. She says, oh no I won’t be telling her anything.
    I said yes you will because you love to talk about other people, and this isn’t the 1st time you have told me about my mother filling you in on what is going on with me, you did the same thing years ago.
    I was feeling a flood of anger, then later at home alone some anger guilt and much sadness.
    To sum it up, I told them both to believe what they want, and if we get together again, I don’t want to discuss my mother, it is my business, not theirs.
    We left the restaurant……I wonder will they want to “get together soon” as promised. Lol

    This person has acted ignorant before.
    She has gone behind my back, gossiped to my NM.
    As teenagers she was always running her mouth.
    And wonders why I don’t keep in touch.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “I said yes you will because you love to talk about other people, and this isn’t the 1st time you have told me about my mother filling you in on what is going on with me, you did the same thing years ago.” It’s amazing how many of our “friends” enjoy being flying monkeys for our narcissist parents.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. It’s amazing how many of our “friends” enjoy being flying monkeys for our narcissist parents.

        So true, amazing and sad, because I feel betrayed, and also trying to control my anger towards this, because I don’t want to waste energy on negativity.

        Liked by 2 people

      1. She is a drama seeker, and tends to piss and moan. asked me how long my surgery was, I said 3hrs, oh she said mine was longer.
        Who gives a shit? I tried to change the subject, but we had to hear all about her surgery drama ad nauseum.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Currently sandwiched between a spiritual awakening and material and performative downward spiral.

    My parents are both narcissists and I am the scapegoat of a combined family.

    My mother is currently painting me as broken from the abuse I experienced at the hands of my school, which is true….and which is also what they wanted me to stay in.

    However, the chronic and consistent abuse that I’ve experienced in my household and early childhood is…absolutely reprehensible, and now I am 22, trapped in their house, and they are going in on me right now.

    I’m getting crushed, and I have no idea how to get out.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. With the help of a wonderful therapist I managed to save myself. I left my marriage of almost thirty years and I live on my own now. The marriage was a very unhappy one and everyone knew it, family members would comment on it even, ask questions. Then I did the dead and left, freed myself. Now my mother as well as my siblings do not talk to me any more. Well my mother started to call me recently telling my things like: what a great decision of you to leave and look how well you are doing. And: we always knew you could do it ( I always wonder who ‘we’ is).

    Before I left accusations were flying: you cannot do it, you will never make it, you are destroying my family ( that was of course mother dearest, who said that). I live alone now. My children are not happy with my decision, my older daughter, who is the mother of two little boys hardly talks to me. There is so much anger directed at me. How dare I want something for myself? How dare I disrupt what was supposed to be family bliss. \\

    Today I am happy. Without my therapist I would not have been able to get to where I am now. Pain? I fo not feel much. One of the things that I learned early in life: not to feel. And I really do not feel. That tends to get in the way because I get criticized a lot for it. But it is a survival skill. I have mastered it pretty well. Therapist said I would not be able to deal with the enormity of the pain, would I have to feel it all at once. i feel more than I did ten years ago but when I see others burst out in pain or happiness or whatever it makes me think. I am afraid I will never to able to feel things the way they do.

    But the bottom line is this.: today I am happy and how great is that :-)/

    Like

  8. Once upon a time, I spent hours and hours on end, dreaming of how I’d open up to people about what had happened, and feel the comfort of their unstinting support. I made about 2 to 3 tentative attempts with different people, and received unexpected responses, so unexpected that I no longer bother explaining anything to anyone again.

    It’s not always true that if you have gone through something, you’d understand another person’s similar predicament. By the same token, it’s not always true that if you have NOT gone through something, you’ll never understand. I believe that a heart that genuinely loves will always be able to sense the pain in another heart.

    So, until and unless we meet that true-heart someone – be it friend or relative or sibling, it’s best not to hope for much, or it’d be another round of pain and hurt that we can do without.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Just have to add about the potency of this writing down abuses. I suppose one learns as a child and adult pre-awakening, to just haul all this stuff around in your head, and do whatever internal acrobatics you have to do to cope with it all. Writing it down is freeing and destabilizing, as one begins to acknowledge the systemic nature of it all, rather than just relive the abuses over and over. Clears the mind, and focuses the pain more fruitfully. I hope this exercise will help me get out of my head some, and free myself to heal more freely. Thanks for this post. Sometimes I think you read my mind, Veronica, as it had crossed my mind not long before the post to write down the abuses, it just seemed so overwhelming. The post helped push me over the edge to actually do it. Thanks!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I carried an internal video/written diary in my head for a few decades. It played 24 hours a day; I’d read it 24 hours a day too, even in my dreams, and I finally almost went over the edge. I wanted to put it all down on paper, and let the hurt come out, but feared the diary would find its way into the wrong hands.

    Then, God lead me to blogging. And what began as a conscious need to express my pain quickly evolved into something else – to help others to heal and to help them move towards a new purpose-driven life – something which is a near futility when your life only evolves around NPD parents.

    When I began my blog, I didn’t know where it’d take me; all I wanted was to get better, get out of the never-lifting fog of depression, and to live again. But God took my pain beyond my personal sphere, to light others’ shadowed corners too.

    It makes the suffering of all these years worthwhile.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. I still go into doubt as to whether my Mum is truly a narcissist. I know she was emotionally unavailable a lot of the time and recently some letters she wrote to my oldest sister showed she found me a burden and I was looking for attention as neither Mum or Dad spent any time much with me. When Dad spent time it was doing what he wanted, taking us fishing on a boat in rough seas. Me and my sister’s got sick, my older sister would swim to shore, I was the youngest and couldn’t get off. At times I feel I cant leave certain situations.
    My abuse doesn’t seem as bad as some of what I have read on here. But I still enormously grateful to have found this blog yesterday and to recognise some truths from what is shared her. So a big thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. The whole time I was growing up, I told everybody about the abuse at home. School councillors, teachers friends, friends of my parents, my parents, strangers…. But no one did anything. Lots of sympathy, lots of glasses of wine, but no help. They believed me, but no one seemed to know what to do or suggest.

    Do you have any suggestions when no one knows how to help?

    Like

  13. I constantly doubt myself – especially and usually after a really good run of having nothing to do with my entire family – I get overconfident and think I can handle it – only to get let down all over again of course – let alone them doubting/denying me about past family emotional abuse.

    Meanwhile I have been left totally alone, fending off passive aggressive notes put in Christmas cards from relatives connected to them. I am constantly reeling from – is this is real? – to this can’t be the real version of my life, they must be right? and it must be an invention in my head. But for 44 years I know something isn’t right because I keep coming back to this over and over and over again.
    I can’t even hold a job down long term or a friend – which of course only supports their view that I am disfunctional/ wrong / imagining it – while they are perfect, very loving/caring and helped me all they could only to be treated disgracefully and ungratefully by a horrible daughter.

    This year it’s going to change – its got to – I can’t do this anymore. Thank you for your journal suggestion I hadn’t thought of this and I even have a thick leafed book sitting for 4 months not being used – that will be right for this.
    Finally in future moments, when I choose to forget again, I can have something to wake me back up again.

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  14. What really gets me is when people keep saying it will get better.
    It’ll get better in high school.
    In college.
    when you move.
    after they adjust to you moving.

    and it hasn’t. part of me always knew I was experiencing emotional abuse, but the moment I tried to set healthy boundaries, and the boundaries weren’t respected, I couldn’t hide from it or deny it anymore.

    but it will get better according to the world and according to the world, I should just deal with it and wait- I’m not dealing with it anymore. I’m not waiting anymore.

    Like

  15. Often, when I shared about my experiences I was always given the blank stare (which translates to “lol, don’t be a drama queen”).

    I seek help from counsellors too and as always, got shot down with the same rejection.

    Maybe it’s because I have an older sibling with brain issues and they think I want attention, that’s why they don’t believe me.

    And most recently, I expressed my unrosy past subtlety to friends I trusted. Rejected. They don’t see what’s the difference between theirs and mine. That’s when I start to doubt myself again – on whether I was becoming the one thing I hated to be (a drama queen or sensitive person).

    I’m thankful to you for writing this blog. It gave me clarity on my situation and that not to cave in when the world doesn’t validates our experiences.

    Just saying one shout out to my people in these unlucky situations, when you’ve found peace (either by moving away or going NC with the abuser) you’ll find that you are stronger than the average people around you – physically (?) and mentally. So, hold on. As what John Koyzcan said “But our lives will only ever always continue to be a balancing act that has less to do with pain, and more to do with beauty.”

    Let’s make it, guys.

    Let’s make it.

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  16. I just “awoke” yesterday. I have been reading this blog in depth and it helps so much, and I am taking steps toward getting therapy.

    I told my husband, who is in Korea waiting for his greencard and frankly shares many personality traits to my mother, that this was happening and I am for once happy. I said I am glad my family treated me and my daughter like shit at thanksgiving because it made me aware and finally have an awakening. I am now practicing self-love and seeing how confident I can be, how liberated. I said I was sorry for so many things I did in anger in the past that now I see were part of a deep-seated pattern and they won’t happen again. My husband just said “you’re not happy, you always say you’re sad and then happy. you’ll be sad again soon.” i tried explaining again, and asked for compassion. He said “I don’t like happiness. I want to live life, and life isn’t happy. Happiness is boring.” I thought he was joking. This was all by text message. I said no, really, this time is different. He said that here in America our life will be full of stress (seemingly totally not reading my replies) and he is reconsidering coming at all (after thousands of dollars spent on getting immigration papers done.) His last message was “you need to go get checked for depressive disorder.”

    I really expected him to be happy for me, but there’s something so wrong going on here. he isn’t giving me loving kindness. he’s trying to drag me back into sadness for some reason, even though that has always “stressed” him. I am so conflicted.

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