Editor’s Note: The Invisible Scar does not offer professional advice, only opinion.
The Invisible Scar receives many emails every month. Some have questions or comments best shared with our readers in this “From the Editor’s Mailbox” column. Though our main advice is for the reader to seek therapy from a professional, we also invite helpful insight or support. (Names have been changed and questions edited for brevity.)
1.) “I live with my abusive mother. I want to leave home, but she’s turned my whole family against me. I work for the family business, they’re telling me that if I leave I’ll ruin my entire future.”—Hannah, age 18
The desire to get out of an emotionally abusive home is reasonable. Once your eyes are opened to the reality of your abuse, you have every right to get in a safe place away from your abuser.
That shift in the emotional landscape often freaks out abusive parents. They want the abused adult child to remain exactly where they have kept the adult child for years. They do not want any changes in the systematic cycle of abuse they perpetuate. So, when the adult child awakens to the fact that he or she is emotionally abused, abusive parents will absolutely freak out. They sometimes will probe your weaknesses and exploit them. In this case, they know you worry about the future, so they say you will ruin it.
Know that you have dignity and worth as a child of God. “Human life is sacred and that the dignity of the human person is the foundation of a moral vision for society.”
You do not deserve the abuse. No one deserves abuse.
If you can live with a friend, rent out a room, or stay at a dorm, do so. If you can’t, come up with a plan to live in an emotionally healthy place, and start working toward the fulfillment of that plan. Start becoming more self-sufficient in your finances.
Give yourself some space to think. You are not ruining your entire future by separating yourself from an abusive situation. Instead, you are changing the game plan your mother had for you, the plan that kept you in captivity.
Please, seriously consider a future in an emotionally better workplace and home.
2.) “I am an adult survivor of the silent treatment. For years, I have tried to find a book written on this subject. There is nothing. Even books recommended to me by counselors and social workers do not address, the silent treatment. It’s like it never happened and it doesn’t exist?” —Allen
The silent treatment is very real.
Most of the information gathered for my article about the silent treatment comes from online research rather than books. I’ve not found very much about this horrific type of abuse covered in books. Dr. Gregory Jantz does discuss the silent treament in his book, Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. You can read an excerpt. Also, Elyn Tromey’s blog post at Life & Therapy is also a thoughtful post.
Readers, if you have any recommendations about books that mention the silent treatment, please mention it in the comments.
3.) “I was emotionally abused as a child and adult and made the decision to cut my parents off and heal myself which is what I did. I feel so much better. I am thinking of starting a blog to help others using WordPress. If you have any thoughts on this, I would love to hear them.”—Emma
Let’s talk writing first … Can you write well? Do you know basic grammar rules—and which ones to break for clearer, more engaging writing? Can you write, not with yourself in mind, but with a sense of respect for your readers’ time?
Your writing must be well-crafted to draw in readers. Most importantly, you need to honor their time by providing the best content you can produce.
Unfortunately, myriad online writers believe they can get away with sloppier writing because, hey, the Internet.
However, writing for an online audience means crafting clear, focused content—whether for personal or public audiences. (If you don’t know much about writing skills, pacing, or narratives, I highly recommend Everybody Writes by Ann Handley.)
Now, let’s discuss the type of blog …
Do you want to start a personal blog that discusses your own journey through emotional child abuse and shares current experiences? If so, I highly suggest you take time to pray about this project, reflect on your reasons for the blog then discuss its purpose with a trusted friend or therapist.
Know that a personal blog that is public (as opposed to being a private blog that requires your permission) often can be very triggering and exhausting for adult survivors on the road to healing.
Though you may begin your blog with the desire to help, you may find rancorous parents (and their flying-monkey friends) filling up your comment box with their vituperation. Even if you change your comments to be moderated, you’ll have to sift through those abusive tirades from those trolls. (What a waste of your time.) Plus, you need very thick skin to not take the ignorant comments personally or abandon blogging immediately or fan the fire with your own retorts.
Or perhaps you want to have a blog only for specific friends to read with your permission.
Or you may want to write in a journal or on your laptop and share printed copies of your experiences with friends.
Do you want to start a regular website that discusses emotional abuse but doesn’t delve into your own personal experiences? As the editor and writer of The Invisible Scar—which is exactly that—I say go for it. The more awareness of emotional child abuse and its effects on adult survivors, the better.
4.) “You may be educated, but show no wisdom. Instead of correcting a problem (if there truly is one), the narcissism and abuse you speak of I see originating from you. So go ahead and be cold-hearted, cruel and show no empathy or compassion for those who raised, loved and sacrificed for you.”—Frank
I’m publishing that snippet of a wordy, pejorative email to prove my point in the previous answer: Abusive parents sometimes read blogs and websites about emotional child abuse, and feel compelled to send hate mail. (You have been warned.)
Does that mean you should keep quiet? No, just make sure you’re in a very emotionally healthy place before you decide to start your blog. Most importantly, talk to your therapist about your intention and make sure you’re in the right head space to handle the rigors of your project.
5.) “Hi, just a quick one: If you’re an adult unable to escape a psychologically abusive parent’s influence, should you acknowledge their continuing abusive subtly, or just ignore it?”—Maya
You can escape the influence. Doing so is not easy. But it can be done.
A psychologist who knows your situation and all the details surround it is better equipped than I am to give advice. But I’ll give my opinion because you did ask whether to acknowledge their abuse or ignore it.
If you aren’t in danger of being physically harmed, I would most definitely tell your abusive parent how you view your relationship with him/her, how you feel, and how you will need some space to think and get therapy.
Here’s why I believe you should tell your abusive parents (if they are not a threat to your physical well-being) how you feel…
- You have a voice. Though it’s shaking from fear and nerves, you have the right to use it. Speaking up for yourself is a right you have. As an adult survivor of emotional child abuse, you have not used this voice very much, but it’s yours. Reclaim it. Use it. Speak up for yourself.
- Your abusers need to hear it. You cannot change your abusers; only they can change themselves. But they need to know this truth about themselves. They’re not going to want to face the horrible fact that they are emotionally abusive parents. However, they need to be told. Don’t perpetuate the lie, don’t feed into their delusions. Be who you are meant to be—an adult with dignity and worth living in the truth.
- Your abusive parents may change. In some cases, the abusive parents may not be deliberately abusing their child. In their ignorance, the abusers continue the behavior they learned from their parents and do not really understand that it’s abusive. Or the abusive parent may see the light and realize they need to change. That possibility exists. (Unless your abusive parent was a narcissist.) The change will not be immediate—it will require lots of work and therapy for them, and a proven change of behavior sustained over a long period of time.
Veronica Jarski is the founder and writer of The Invisible Scar, a passion project dedicated to raising awareness of emotional child abuse and its effects on adult survivors. She has extensive editorial experience and a bachelor’s degree in journalism. Her work has been featured on myriad online publications. She also is the author of an e-book about waking up to the realization that one had an emotionally abusive childhood.
9 thoughts on “Questions From the Mailbox: Allegedly Ruining Your Future, Deciding to Blog, and Wondering Whether to Tell Your Abusive Parents How You Feel”
This is so wonderful ❤ Taking note of your blog so I have another place to send readers when they ask about emotional abuse and recovery!
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About telling one’s parents how one feels: I tried. You know what they said? “Parents can treat their children any way they want to!”
Now, you must understand that my mother is a social worker who works with……abused and neglected children. 😮
She finally retired, thank the Lord, and now she’s 91 years old, my father has gone on to hopefully a more peaceful place, since he was also in her thrall (I don’t condone what he did but I understand it), and surprise! She’s demanding that I come and live with her “since I’m not doing anything.” Yeah, right, I’m going to wade back into that snake pit? Nope. I’ve lost the remaining family because she went on a campaign to recruit them. Let them take care of her. I know what would happen if I went there: it wouldn’t take a week before the innuendo, the games, the manipulation, the silent treatments, etc. So, no.
This also probably means I lose my inheritance. I struggled with that for a long time. But what good are material things if I’m so trashed I’m suicidal all the time? I’d rather live in my car and I mean it.
Thank you, Veronica, for your important work!
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Ah, yes, I should clarify (or maybe it was too subtle?) that telling one’s parents isn’t necessarily for the parents … but for the abused child. One must speak up and learn to use one’s voice. What the abusive parent does with the information is his/her issue. But an adult survivor has the right to speak up.
And it’s always better to live in the truth than to live in lies, no matter how “comforting” they seem.
Peace to you, Laura.
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I actually cried reading your post , it’s like a mirror to the situation that I am in. My mom is 90 and has always hung things like inheritance over my head. I would rather live in a box under the expressway than accept from her because nothing was or will be given out of love. I feel stronger knowing that in all my years I have never accepted anything from her. I know whatever I have It’s because I earned it .
I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same boat. It stinks. But our box under the freeway will be OUR box, no strings attached….not ideal, but better than being a slave! Peace to you, and blessings for better times ❤
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I’m so sorry that you have to cope with such horrible comments and emails, Veronica! But thank you for running the site anyway. 🙂 (((hugs)))
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(hug back) Thanks, Susan.
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Thank you Veronica. I am in a very healthy place after childhood emotional abuse, and yet, this blog is my favorite sight in my inbox. I’m writing my childhood memoir and it is always reassuring to hear how difficult writing about abuse can be. With time, I’ve empowered myself through the written word, despite the flying monkeys and naysayers, and have come to a place of peace for myself and my family. Nobody is alone in the long, slow journey, but the slog is worth it.
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I’ve just turned 18 and am going to college 3,000 miles away from home in the fall. I watched a movie in which a girl was emotionally abused by her parents and it really made me question my childhood. I found your site and am slowly realizing that I have not had the best mother. I knew my mother was meaner than my friends and often made me feel like shit but I hadn’t seen how bad its actually been. After reading your list of examples of emotional abuse I saw just how many examples I could think of for each one. Unlike mother however, my father is a great authoritative style parent who I know has tried to shield me from my mother the best he can. However I don’t think he knows how bad it actually is at times. I want a good relationship with both my parents, but I don’t want to deal with my mother anymore as it has caused a lot of problems for me in the way I view myself. As I go off to college how would you suggest I carry on with contact with my parents?
For clarification: I’d love to keep in touch with my dad as he offers many views that I sometimes don’t think about, however if I only stay in contact with him my mother will be very very very mad. My dad would understand if I didn’t stay in touch because I don’t want to interact with my mom, but I’d rather be able to have separate healthy relationships with both my parents.
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